5 shows you’re a moron if you watch

I love good TV, but I REALLY HATE bad TV, and boy is there a lot of that going around these days. It was hard to narrow it down, but here are five shows that will lower your IQ drastically if you watch them (although if you do watch and enjoy any of these your IQ probably wasn’t that high to begin with).

1. Jersey Shore

Where to begin? I hate this fucking show more than I hate soccer (and I HATE soccer). Here is a short list of things I would rather do than watch Jersey Shore:
- eat broken glass
- get AIDS
- eat broken glass while getting AIDS

Yum!

They should call this show “Eight Fuckheaded Douchebags on a Beach”.  They’re like animals; they like to work out, party, and fuck.  That’s it, and the sad part of it is that these assholes are frigging HEROES to some kids.  I know what some of you are saying, “But I watch the show BECAUSE they’re assholes, and it’s soooo funny, I wanna see what they’re gonna do next”.  Fuck that, every time you watch Jersey Shore two things happen: a book dies and you put money in these dickhole’s pockets.  They don’t deserve to be rich or famous; they deserve to suck dick for heroin and die young in a ditch.

2. The Big Bang Theory                                                                                                                       

Don’t worry; none of the other entries on this list will be as vitriolic as the first.  Actually, this show wouldn’t be all that bad (I like Johnny Galecki and the blonde is hot) if it weren’t for one thing: that freak Sheldon.  Rarely have I seen a character less likable than this condescending, creepy weirdo.  If was walking down the street with my daughter and I saw that twitchy douche approaching I’d hold her hand tighter and cross the street to avoid him.  I don’t understand why people like him so much.

No such thing.

3. Two and a Half Men

Here’s another IQ killer.   First of all, the scripts are nothing but poorly recycled sex jokes from countless other (and mostly better, probably) sitcoms.  Second, I’m sick of Charlie Sheen; we know you love coke and hookers, Charlie, enough already.  Third, Jon Cryer is SUCH an irritating, nerdy whiny little bitch (hey, maybe they can have a spinoff where him and Big Bang’s Sheldon get together…although that would probably make my head explode).

Hey, cracked.com doesn’t have this copywrited

Fourth, the kid, whatever the fuck his name is, has the personality and acting ability of drywall.  His monotone delivery has as much emotion as a speech by Stephen Hawking.  Last but not least, Ashton fucking Kutcher.  He was funny on That 70s Show, I’ll give him that.  I started hating him when Punk’d came out.  He’d introduce each prank by screaming at the camera while wearing his cocked douchey trucker cap and waving his arms around like a spastic monkey.  He’d actually probably fit in well with the Jersey Shore mongoloids.

Get him a bad tan and a raging case of genital herpes and its a perfect fit

4. Glee

I’m realizing most of these picks are less because I hate the content and more because I hate an actor or actors that are on the show, but in this case I hate both equally!

Because that’s how I roll.

Let’s start with the show itself: when the hell did being a fucking nerd become desirable and/or cool?  Most of the shows on this list feature a nerd in a starring role; why?  Didn’t we make these people’s lives hell in high school for a reason?  I also hate musicals and I’m definitely not into groups of teenagers singing popular songs.  If you’re a straight adult male and you DO like this, I’m pretty sure NAMBLA is still looking for members (find the website yourself, I’m not providing a link to THAT shit).

Then we have Jane Lynch.  She’d be my favorite actress ever if I had a fetish for giraffes.  She is such an unpleasant and annoying ballbreaker; she reminds me of my high school gym teacher.  Hey, actually, that’s probably why I can’t stand her, deeply buried issue resolved.

Glee still fucking sucks, though.

5. Sons of Anarchy

I’m just fucking kidding, Sons is the best fucking show on TV; I’m disappointed every week when the episode is over.  Not only are you a moron if you DON’T like this show, you’re probably a big fan of all the other shows on this list.

You

Another fucking birthday

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So it’s my birthday…again. Yay. Why is it that shit I LOVED as a kid I fucking HATE as an adult? Birthdays were an EVENT, presents, cake, my ass kissed all day…awesome. Also, as you can see, my birthday is in June so I always had sweet summer pool parties. I always felt bad for those close to Christmas, middle of winter birthdays (OK, it’s probably more accurate to say I laughed at and mocked those with close to Christmas middle of winter birthdays). Since its my fucking birthday and my fucking blog, I’m gonna make a list of “Things I loved as a kid that I hate as an adult”.

1. Chuck E Cheese

Chuck E Cheese was to 3 -12 year old me what participating in a threesome with Kate from ‘Lost’ and Lily Allen is to 13-∞ year old me is. A trip to Chuck’s was like Christmas wrapped in Easter wrapped in my birthday with chocolate frosting all over the motherfucker…and now its like prison sex wrapped in dental surgery wrapped in castration with over caffeinated children all over the motherfucker.

I hate everything about that place; screaming kids, HORRIBLE pizza,those goddamn cheap ass prizes, and that creepy underpaid guy in the Chuck E outfit (I am always creeped out by any costume with a big head and no visible human eyes). Whoever had the idea to start serving beer at that place deserves a fucking medal.

2. Christmas

Oh, Christmas. Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. Super terrific happy present time for kids; migraine headache “how am I going to afford this” stress time for adults. I was a pretty lucky kid. I was the first grandkid and nephew in the family so every Christmas I was BALLIN. I can remember my Grandma pulling up in our driveway in her enormous 1976 banana yellow Grand Marquis, going into the trunk, and coming out with two huge garbage bags filled with presents, flexing those bitches into the house like a sexagenarian Schwarzenegger (although I imagine she’d have better taste in mistresses). I could barely squeeze my ass into the living room Christmas morning.

Now my only concern is how the hell I’m going to afford the same for MY beautiful kids and family. Those of you who know me know that my employment history is…spotty, at best, and I always seem to be unemployed around that time. Oh, I always manage to pull something out of my ass in the eleventh hour (sorry bout that smell, kids) but it’s always a near thing. Christmas? More like stressmas.

3. Thanksgiving

Just kidding. Thanksgiving is fucking AWESOME

That stupid commercial…

Has anyone seen that stupid McDonalds commercial where there’s a girl and a guy sitting across the table at McDs, and the girl says “My sister’s new boyfriend told her Sundays are for football. Believe that?”? The guy gets a deer-in-the-headlights look and after pondering sleeping on the couch for a week (or whatever it is that pussy guys do when their wives/girlfriends are mad at them) says “He’s a jerk!”. She gives him a big smile, apparently indicating his position in bed is safe for now, end commercial.

Where to begin? Lets start with this obviously possessive and controlling biotch. Why is it such a grievous crime for a man to do nothing but watch football on Sundays? Counting the Super Bowl and preseason that’s 21 sundays, out of a possible 52, right? Meanwhile he’s gotta put up with around 3 days of PMS for TWELVE months a year, for a total of 36, which sounds like more than a fair trade to me! I’m also going to go ahead and assume that this guy works hard all week; the guy in the video looks reasonably healthy and well dressed, and you know he was able to afford to super size his girl’s meal (prob bc she was PMSing…), he DESERVES a day to enjoy his favorite sport!

Now on to the guy: way to stand up for your gender, broseph. I think all men are aware that most things that upset our ladies aren’t worth picking a fight over; I’m a big fan of the nod and smile technique myself. However, in this case I would’ve made a stand. As I’ve previously stated, it shouldn’t be unreasonable for a man to dedicate 21 days a year to viewing (and screaming at, arguing about, and eating and drinking during) the greatest sport in the world. But no, football hating commercial girl seems to have worn her man down to such a little nub that he’s probably afraid to disagree with her about anything. She seems to have found the perfect passive-aggressive way to get him to bow down: instead of saying anything to him directly, she uses the ole “My sister’s boyfriend told her…”. Cmon, homie, if you lie down on this one, what’s next? “My sister’s boyfriend wants sex more than once a month. Believe that?” Or “My sister’s boyfriend won’t wear a leash when they go out together. Believe that?”

Ladies, we love you, but sometimes a man’s gotta be a man. Or at the very least, refuse to wear a leash…well, maybe in private. As long as we can watch the Bears September through January.